John Mulaney Quotes - wishesdb

John Edmund Mulaney is therefore a well-known American comedian and writer best known for his work on the late-night American live television show ‘Saturday Night Live. He created and played a major role in the American TV comedy series ‘Mulaney’, in which he portrayed a fictional version of himself. The funniest John Mulaney quotes will make you cry and laugh and keep you going all day.

If you’re looking for famous quotes by comedians that capture exactly what you want to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, check out our incredible collection of Rodney Dangerfield Quotes, hilarious Steven Wright quotes, and the best George Carlin quotes.

92 John Mulaney Quotes

1. “13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you.”

2. “All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it” – John Mulaney

John Mulaney Quotes - ll my money is in a savings account - wishesdb
John Mulaney Quotes – ll my money is in a savings account

3. “As I entered high school and after puberty, I was a little more into it. I was an extrovert when I was a kid, but I don’t know, I’m calmer with my friends, I’m still an extrovert.” – John Mulaney

4. “Being president seems like the worst job in the world.” – John Mulaney

5. “College was like a four-year game show called ‘Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?’”

6. “Comfort is everything. You start doing something and you want it to be perfect, but most babies are born ugly and then they throw it away and you get a beautiful toddler.” – John Mulaney

7. “Everyone is very relaxed about brand names on television.” – John Mulaney

John Mulaney Quotes - Everyone is very relaxed about brand names on television. - wishesdb
John Mulaney Quotes – Everyone is very relaxed about brand names on television.

8. “Fahaman is usually not invited to the inauguration.” – John Mulaney

9. “Happy when you’re nervous and everyone is like, Yeah, you’re definitely nervous. Because a lot of times you are anxious and people say, Calm down. Shut up. Guess, I guess I’m crazy too.” – John Mulaney

10. “Having stood at the television and in a special situation like Comedy Central, you can quickly find out that for the type of performance you’re playing to the camera.” – John Mulaney

11. “I also have Elliot Gould and Martin Short and Nasim Pedrad – let alone Zack Pearlman who is going to be a big star, as well as Seaton Smith – out there and I love writing for them and just sitting and watching them go really well. And when you sit across from Elliott Gould sharing a scene, it will only improve your game.” – John Mulaney

12. “I always wanted it to be multi-cam from the start. In the seed of the first idea, I wanted a live audience, a multi-cam show. That is very important to me.” – John Mulaney

13. “I am a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and so far I’ve been through life well, so I don’t feel worthy of good treatment.” – John Mulaney

John Mulaney Quotes - I am a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and so far I’ve been through life well - wishesdb
John Mulaney Quotes – I am a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and so far I’ve been through life well

14. “I am a very outspoken person. But that’s good for comedians. Because a lot of times you talk about other people.” – John Mulaney

15. “I can’t listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called ‘Tonight’s no good. How about wednesday? Oh, you’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s not see each other for eight months and it doesn’t matter at all.’”

16. “I definitely look like a little kid. I felt comfortable and I had a lot of fun out there [John Mulaney Show]. And if I get very selfish, I say I’m a little better.” – John Mulaney

17. “I don’t know if there is a strategy, as I learn to stand and have to learn fast, you always try to give your favorite stuff as early as possible and you start with the one you like the most.” – John Mulaney

18. “I don’t look older, I just look worse.”

19. “I had a lot of jokes with moments in it over the years that didn’t make me laugh, but I loved it, so they stayed.” – John Mulaney

20. “I have a lot of stories about being a kid because this is the last time, I’m interesting.” – John Mulaney

21. “I have always believed that you often needless. You don’t have to listen to why people are friends, you don’t have to listen to why people become roommates, you don’t have to listen to why someone helps a friend to do something.” – John Mulaney

22. “I just acted on the narrative stage as opposed to acting on stage as a stand. And like the others, this is like a comfort level. The first time I stood up, I was at a place called B3 in New York on Third and Avenue B and I not only didn’t remove the microphone from the seat, but I kept standing all the time.” – John Mulaney

23. “I just mixed up a stand that is very similar to the visual sketch thing I did on Saturday Night Live. So in terms of how elastic the world is, we’re going to see what we can get [in the John Mulaney Show].” – John Mulaney

24. “I kind of thought, isn’t it funny to cling to the weird side of the mainstream?” – John Mulaney

John Mulaney Quotes - I kind of thought, isn’t it funny to cling to the weird side of the mainstream - wishesdb
John Mulaney Quotes – I kind of thought, isn’t it funny to cling to the weird side of the mainstream

25. “I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.”

26. “I like the idea that what I do might be mainstream. Maybe.” – John Mulaney

27. “I like to make fun of myself. I also like to be teased. I always enjoy it It’s just that there’s something really funny when someone tears me apart.” – John Mulaney

28. “I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.”

29. “I look back on being 17 and think, ‘Oh my God, how did I not die?’”

30. “I love turning on the TV and watching whatever is turned on. Nick Kroll does a lot. He didn’t watch important shows. He would just turn on Mia Hamm’s documentary and watch it for an hour. Whatever happens, we watch.” – John Mulaney

31. “I love when things go crazy. Something good came up because of fatigue.” – John Mulaney

32. “I never turn people on. Sometimes, you think it’s a horrible show, and after that, sometimes people say they really like it. So, turning on the crowd will only alienate a few people who might like it.” – John Mulaney

33. “I plan on joining the ‘SNL’ group as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they would at least cut me off before the commercial break. I will definitely look at the camera.” – John Mulaney

34. “I really enjoy writing things that die during dress up training. Sometimes I remember crazy people who die more fondly than people who succeed well.” – John Mulaney

35. “I remember writing a stand -up joke without doing a set. But once I made my first set, that didn’t matter. Everything I thought would work was unsuccessful. And all the things I do are funny.” – John Mulaney

36. “I run more things, more stories. I really like one layer I like different types of stands but I’m always old -fashioned.” – John Mulaney

37. “I stopped drinking when I was 23 years old. I kinda started when I was 13, so it went on for 10 years. But I was a bad drunk kid, so when I quit, I had done a lot of things that I wasn’t proud of.” – John Mulaney

38. “I think for many of us – speaking only for the pockets of the country – we trust Obama. So when you leave your baby with your mom to watch, you’re not going to go home and check the nanny’s cam. But now we’re leaving the baby with Gary Busey, so we’re going to use it more.” – John Mulaney

39. “I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.”

40. “I was really ready to do this looking and traditional multi-cam sitcom, but then make this world elastic like an animated show. Make this world as real as we want it to be.” – John Mulaney

41. “I will book tickets on some junk airlines. I don’t want to name the actual airline so let’s do, let’s call it something like Delta Airlines” – John Mulaney

42. “I wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like I don’t worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you’ll be able to make this into an episode of TV.”

43. “I wish I could tell my 12 -year -old like I wasn’t worried that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you’ll be able to make it a TV episode.” – John Mulaney

44. “I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.”

45. “I’ve always been the steepest person in a cold room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.” – John Mulaney

46. “I’ve done festivals in the past where I’ve been a guest, like, Wow, maybe one day I can play Town Hall – but that will be a long way off. So very exciting” – John Mulaney

47. “If I was in the Comedy Cellar in the middle of the night you yelled at the back of the room. But you, for television, play it to the camera because yes, you communicate with people at home using the studio audience that is right in front of you as a guide for that.” – John Mulaney

48. “If it’s something very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it’s truly funny, then it’s worth doing. Things aren’t worth doing for the sake of being controversial.”

49. “If there’s something very, very funny but maybe controversial, if it’s really funny, then it’s worth doing. Things that shouldn’t be done because it’s controversial.” – John Mulaney

50. “If you compare the disadvantages of two words and you wouldn’t even say one of them [n-word], that’s a worse word.” – John Mulaney

51. “In each case, I consider pre-planning noble, but not always useful in comedy. You know comedy as soon as you do it.” – John Mulaney

52. “In terms of instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin.”

53. “In terms of, like, immediate help, canceling a plan is like heroin.” – John Mulaney

54. “It’s 100% easier not to do something than to do it, and so much fun not to do it – especially when you’re supposed to be doing it. In terms of immediate relief, canceling a plan is like heroin.” – John Mulaney

55. “It’s funny to be an event host, because you’re so compassionate to the club. You can show up for the weekend in hopes of getting $ 400 – and get fired. I have to scold anyone they tell me to make fun of.” – John Mulaney

56. “It’s important to remember that life is a joke and views give a lot of perspective, but I don’t think comedy should change and become political because of other things. It can only laugh at the cosmic jokes that live on all the time.” – John Mulaney

57. “It’s so much fun to write and produce your own sketches. You almost have more control. “- John Mulaney

58. “Long trips can feel daunting, and sometimes I miss being home, but the opportunity to see so many cities, let alone make a show in them, is something I am very grateful for.” – John Mulaney

59. “Many comedy clubs are set up with people sitting at small tables and you have everything from the way they sit until they order or drink a drink, this can make comedians harder and faster at a club.” – John Mulaney

60. “Maybe I have high self-esteem, but I have a lot of things that I really enjoy.” – John Mulaney

61. “My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.”

62. “Now, I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, but I’ve been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone everywhere is super mad about everything all the time.”

63. “On a Friday night, it’s so much fun [knowing] that if you bomb, or whatever happens, you’ll be on TV at 11. That’s a cool feeling, and you’ll get a few hundred dollars. – John Mulaney”

64. “One episode that was close and loved by my heart was the whole cast in one room for tonight because we got a sleeping bug in our apartment building, so we had to stay with Martin Short. – John Mulaney”

65. “Part of the stand is to loose and have fun with yourself and that translates to the audience.” – John Mulaney

66. “People who have hope probably mean they have enjoyed what I have done.” – John Mulaney

67. “Sometimes you get one person saying that I really like one part of this joke and you go, oh thank you that’s also my favorite part. But no, to be authentic, hopefully, you have a joke that everyone can use and then you have a few things for yourself.” – John Mulaney

68. “Sorry: I have no place to stay. I am homosexual. I have AIDS. I’m new in town.” – John Mulaney

69. “That was an interesting thing I learned, I think the first time I did a late-night show or something. Like, Oh, this is for the camera and the presentation you give to the people at home.” – John Mulaney

70. “The best scenario is that everything goes perfectly and smoothly, but we are also a new and weird show. So all my conversation was, Hi last night wasn’t perfect but we knew what we had for everyone.” – John Mulaney

71. “The difficulty of getting a film made through a major studio is so extreme that when a film comes out, everyone has to give it four stars because it succeeds.” – John Mulaney

72. “The Doulawas and was a very, very special episode for me because I thought it was so funny and so weird and it was also 100 percent based on my life, because I fainted three times during Sex Ed in real life in three different years.” – John Mulaney

73. “The more you do something, the better you deal with how you still fail to do it all the time.” – John Mulaney

74. “The persona of my stance like I was going to improve things, but I watched the world as an emotional state increase.” – John Mulaney

75. “The stand for me is just my opinion on things, so it wouldn’t be fun translating into sketches. Sketching also wouldn’t be fun if I stood there saying it.” – John Mulaney

76. “There are a lot of great jokes you can sit down and write, but that’s just a written joke, as opposed to a situational comedy. Ideally, you remove the comedy from the situation as much as you can.” – John Mulaney

77. “There’s a [John Mulaney Show] joke that I don’t want to try to include, I’ll try to ask someone to speak in earnest in the middle of a scene about the Law and Orderor episode of something.” – John Mulaney

78. “Things do not exist until they exist.” – John Mulaney

79. “Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have meaning, that’s awesome.” – John Mulaney

80. “We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! And my dad pulled into the drive thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.”

81. “Why do People Hide Animals? They never spoke” – John Mulaney

82. “Why do people shush animals? They just go ‘Shhh, hey, shhh.’ They’ve never spoken.”

83. “With the first episode of [John Mulaney Show] I told the story of what happened to me accidentally chasing a woman into the subway.” – John Mulaney

84. “You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about.”

85. “You all have expert relatives even if they don’t know what they’re talking about.” – John Mulaney

86. “You can do a good job just staying up all night and not eating anything other than snacks, but maybe not in the long run.” – John Mulaney

87. “You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.”

88. “You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.”

89. “You can’t always see both sides of the story. Finally, you have to choose the side and stick with it. No need to bother anymore. You must be committed. – John Mulaney”

90. “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair.”

91. “You remember being 12, when you’re like, ‘No one look at me or I’ll kill myself.’”

92. “You’re like the kid at the sleepover who, after midnight, is like, ‘It’s tomorrow now.’ Get out of here with your technicalities. Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.”

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